Trick him with your witchcraft.

Yo, AJ:
    
     I ran into this guy I know at a club the other night. I haven’t seen him since high school (not that it was all that long ago). But it’s been about 4 years or so. Anyway, right at the end of my senior year (he was a grade below me), I kind of started to form a little crush on him. But then I left school, we lost touch, and it never really developed into anything. I’m not even sure if he was feeling the same way. Anyway, I ran into him at the club. He seemed excited to see me. I was certainly excited to see him. Because the music was so loud, there wasn’t much chance for conversation. Since then, we’ve added each other on Facebook, but we’ve only messaged a couple of times. He doesn’t seem as excited to be talking to me as he did the other night. Anyway, I’d like to make some sort of a move but I’m not sure that I should or even what kind of a “move” it would be. Any advice?
                                                                                        
                                                                                             Seymour… is not really my name…

Ay, Not Seymour:
    
     Grab his junk.
     Or, just ask him on a date. Worst case scenario: He politely declines and you both move on with your lives. Best case scenario, assuming you’re both really slutty: Wild monkey sex. If you didn’t want to dive right in with a date invitation, I’d understand. You could be worried that it might damage the friendship. You know, because the two of you have gotten really close over the last 4 years. More likely you’re just too chickenshit to go for it. Side note. Isn’t chickenshit a great expression? It implies that you’re so cowardly, being called a chicken isn’t enough. You are what a chicken defecates. You could just ask him if he wants to hang out. Spend some time with him. Trick him into falling in love with you with your witchcraft. Really, if nothing else, you should at least hang out with this guy. You never know what will happen; he might be just as chickenshitty as you are and he too is wondering if he should make a move or not.

Armadillos and Penn Badgley.

Yo, AJ:

     I’m a gay male. That’s relevant, I swear. I don’t just say that to people any time I meet them. It’s not, like, part of my introduction. Anyway, I’m kind of hopelessly in love with a friend of mine, but I have no idea if he bats for my team. How can I figure out if he does? And if he does, how can I figure out if he’s into me too?

                                                                                                An Armadillo Outed Me.

Ay, An Armadillo Outed Me:

     First of all, I hope that isn’t your birth name. Secondly, grab his junk and see what happens. Stop looking at me like that. It works. Really. Not always for the better, but hey, at least you’ll have an answer… Ugh, okay. Well, I suppose the first step would be, acknowledging the fact that you’re gay. If he doesn’t already know, you need to make it known. (What’s the best way to come out to your friend you might ask. Grab his junk.) Once it’s been established that you’s into da menz, ask if he thinks Penn Badgley is hot. If he says yes, grab his junk. “His” being your friend, not Penn Badgley. Don’t grab Penn Badgley’s junk. He’s mine. Anyway, if your friend says no, he’s either straight, or stupid. Should your friend happen to be gay, ask him if he’d like to have dinner sometime. You should probably let go of his junk when you ask. Just to show you’re classy and respectful. This ain’t no trailer park. If he agrees to a dinner date, grab his junk. Grab his junk, and never let go.

P.S. Don’t really grab his junk. What are you, stupid? It’s a metaphor.