Yo, AJ:
My boyfriend wants me to go with him to his best friend's Halloween party. I really don’t like his friend. He’s loud, obnoxious, and makes me uncomfortable. He has this tendency to make inappropriate comments about my body. I’ve already talked to my boyfriend about it (a few times) and he just says, “David’s just joking, he doesn’t mean anything by it.” Joking or not, it’s not okay. How do I get out of this damn party?
Vexed Vixen
Ay, Vexed Vixen:
It’s fucking ridiculous that your boyfriend downplayed your concerns. If it’s happened on more than one occasion and it bothered you enough for you to have brought it up repeatedly, he should be punched in the crotch for not taking it seriously. Have you asked the friend to stop? I’m not sure if by "inappropriate comments" you mean sexual or insulting (or both). But either way, tell the ass to stop. You could just make up an excuse to get out of the party. Say you have to wash your friend's hair or you need to read the dictionary or something. I, personally, would tell the truth. That this David person is a pig and that your boyfriend is an idiot for not making an attempt to stop it. His ass might need dumping… Ew. Let me rephrase. You might need to break up with his dumb self. It’s so not okay that you’ve told him you’re uncomfortable and he still asks you to hang around with Creepy Dave. Please be sure to refer to Creepy Dave as Creepy Dave always from now on.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Trick him with your witchcraft.
Yo, AJ:
I ran into this guy I know at a club the other night. I haven’t seen him since high school (not that it was all that long ago). But it’s been about 4 years or so. Anyway, right at the end of my senior year (he was a grade below me), I kind of started to form a little crush on him. But then I left school, we lost touch, and it never really developed into anything. I’m not even sure if he was feeling the same way. Anyway, I ran into him at the club. He seemed excited to see me. I was certainly excited to see him. Because the music was so loud, there wasn’t much chance for conversation. Since then, we’ve added each other on Facebook, but we’ve only messaged a couple of times. He doesn’t seem as excited to be talking to me as he did the other night. Anyway, I’d like to make some sort of a move but I’m not sure that I should or even what kind of a “move” it would be. Any advice?
Seymour… is not really my name…
Ay, Not Seymour:
Grab his junk.
Or, just ask him on a date. Worst case scenario: He politely declines and you both move on with your lives. Best case scenario, assuming you’re both really slutty: Wild monkey sex. If you didn’t want to dive right in with a date invitation, I’d understand. You could be worried that it might damage the friendship. You know, because the two of you have gotten really close over the last 4 years. More likely you’re just too chickenshit to go for it. Side note. Isn’t chickenshit a great expression? It implies that you’re so cowardly, being called a chicken isn’t enough. You are what a chicken defecates. You could just ask him if he wants to hang out. Spend some time with him. Trick him into falling in love with you with your witchcraft. Really, if nothing else, you should at least hang out with this guy. You never know what will happen; he might be just as chickenshitty as you are and he too is wondering if he should make a move or not.
I ran into this guy I know at a club the other night. I haven’t seen him since high school (not that it was all that long ago). But it’s been about 4 years or so. Anyway, right at the end of my senior year (he was a grade below me), I kind of started to form a little crush on him. But then I left school, we lost touch, and it never really developed into anything. I’m not even sure if he was feeling the same way. Anyway, I ran into him at the club. He seemed excited to see me. I was certainly excited to see him. Because the music was so loud, there wasn’t much chance for conversation. Since then, we’ve added each other on Facebook, but we’ve only messaged a couple of times. He doesn’t seem as excited to be talking to me as he did the other night. Anyway, I’d like to make some sort of a move but I’m not sure that I should or even what kind of a “move” it would be. Any advice?
Seymour… is not really my name…
Ay, Not Seymour:
Grab his junk.
Or, just ask him on a date. Worst case scenario: He politely declines and you both move on with your lives. Best case scenario, assuming you’re both really slutty: Wild monkey sex. If you didn’t want to dive right in with a date invitation, I’d understand. You could be worried that it might damage the friendship. You know, because the two of you have gotten really close over the last 4 years. More likely you’re just too chickenshit to go for it. Side note. Isn’t chickenshit a great expression? It implies that you’re so cowardly, being called a chicken isn’t enough. You are what a chicken defecates. You could just ask him if he wants to hang out. Spend some time with him. Trick him into falling in love with you with your witchcraft. Really, if nothing else, you should at least hang out with this guy. You never know what will happen; he might be just as chickenshitty as you are and he too is wondering if he should make a move or not.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Sitcom Girl.
Yo, AJ:
A few days ago I promised my best friend I’d be his date to the Halloween Dance. But then, today, this guy that I’m really into asked me if I’d go with him. I was so excited I agreed without thinking about my friend at all. Now I don’t know how to tell my friend I can’t go with him. What do you think I should do?
Double-Booked.
Ay, DB:
Are you writing to me from a sitcom in the ’90s? Obviously not. If you were, you’d know that the right thing to do is go with your friend. He’s probably the guy you’re supposed to end up with anyway (Also, I don’t care how excited you were, how the hell did you forget about your friend?). If you go to the dance with your crush he’ll probably fuck things up somehow. He’ll grope your chest. Or get drunk off the punch and mess around with some other girl in his backseat. Or he might even sneak off under the bleachers and have a heavy make out session with your brother and then tell everyone at the dance that you’re a terrible kisser that couldn’t keep his interest and that’s why he ditched you… not that I’d know anything about that. But anyway, if you’d really rather go with dead-end guy, just tell your friend that you’re a selfish bitch that has to have her way… no judgment… If you’re going to cancel on your friend be sure to find another date for him.
A few days ago I promised my best friend I’d be his date to the Halloween Dance. But then, today, this guy that I’m really into asked me if I’d go with him. I was so excited I agreed without thinking about my friend at all. Now I don’t know how to tell my friend I can’t go with him. What do you think I should do?
Double-Booked.
Ay, DB:
Are you writing to me from a sitcom in the ’90s? Obviously not. If you were, you’d know that the right thing to do is go with your friend. He’s probably the guy you’re supposed to end up with anyway (Also, I don’t care how excited you were, how the hell did you forget about your friend?). If you go to the dance with your crush he’ll probably fuck things up somehow. He’ll grope your chest. Or get drunk off the punch and mess around with some other girl in his backseat. Or he might even sneak off under the bleachers and have a heavy make out session with your brother and then tell everyone at the dance that you’re a terrible kisser that couldn’t keep his interest and that’s why he ditched you… not that I’d know anything about that. But anyway, if you’d really rather go with dead-end guy, just tell your friend that you’re a selfish bitch that has to have her way… no judgment… If you’re going to cancel on your friend be sure to find another date for him.
"Talking" talking.
Yo, AJ:
Okay, so there’s this guy. I’ve known him for a little over a year. We’ve always been friends, but lately we’ve been talking. Ya know. In a “let’s be more than friends” kind of way. I’m into him, but I’d hate to ruin the friendship. Also, he dated my best friends sister for, like, 3 years (Although, they ended a little over a year ago). I’m not sure if I want to go for it with the guy, and if I do, I don’t know how to tell my best friend (or her sister) about it. Help.
Friendship Dilemma.
Ay, Friendship Dilemma:
Sounds to me like you’re in a bit of a pickle. I don’t like pickles. Pickle juice smells weird. Anyway, about your problems. As far as the boy issue goes, I’d say, if you’re really into him, jump his bones. I mean, if the two of you have been “talking” talking, and you’re both into each other, the friendship is already kind of at risk. It’s difficult to be friends with someone that you’re romantically interested in. Just tap that. And then let me know if he’s good. If you do decide to pursue this guy, you have to tell your friend. And really, you should probably tell her BEFORE you get all up on that. Just run it by her. You know, “Hey, how are you? We should get something to eat. I’m really into [insert stud muffin’s name here]. How do you feel about Chinese?” As your best friend I feel that she’s sort of obligated to understand. And the sister. You should tell her. BUT, if you consider the sister to be a friend of yours… depending on the kind of person she is, lover boy might be off limits.
Okay, so there’s this guy. I’ve known him for a little over a year. We’ve always been friends, but lately we’ve been talking. Ya know. In a “let’s be more than friends” kind of way. I’m into him, but I’d hate to ruin the friendship. Also, he dated my best friends sister for, like, 3 years (Although, they ended a little over a year ago). I’m not sure if I want to go for it with the guy, and if I do, I don’t know how to tell my best friend (or her sister) about it. Help.
Friendship Dilemma.
Ay, Friendship Dilemma:
Sounds to me like you’re in a bit of a pickle. I don’t like pickles. Pickle juice smells weird. Anyway, about your problems. As far as the boy issue goes, I’d say, if you’re really into him, jump his bones. I mean, if the two of you have been “talking” talking, and you’re both into each other, the friendship is already kind of at risk. It’s difficult to be friends with someone that you’re romantically interested in. Just tap that. And then let me know if he’s good. If you do decide to pursue this guy, you have to tell your friend. And really, you should probably tell her BEFORE you get all up on that. Just run it by her. You know, “Hey, how are you? We should get something to eat. I’m really into [insert stud muffin’s name here]. How do you feel about Chinese?” As your best friend I feel that she’s sort of obligated to understand. And the sister. You should tell her. BUT, if you consider the sister to be a friend of yours… depending on the kind of person she is, lover boy might be off limits.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Free your fictionality!
Yo, AJ:
I'm a fictional character who has recently become self-aware. What can I do to escape my writer's clutches and gain control of my own life?
Micah
Ay, Micah:
You should take your fictionality out into the real world. Set aside a day or two to experience new things. Perhaps a hookah lounge. Or a karaoke bar. Ooh, a party! Go to a party! Depending on your age, the mall might be appropriate. Actually, if you’re loosely based on anyone, while you’re at the mall, you and your writer might consider buying the person that you share personality traits with new shoes or something. A few other things I suggest: watch Pinocchio (after all, he managed to become a real boy), wrestle a bear, find a nice fictional lady (or gentleman, if that’s what floats your boat) with whom to get yo fictional mack on, drink a gallon of milk, kill a man.
I'm a fictional character who has recently become self-aware. What can I do to escape my writer's clutches and gain control of my own life?
Micah
Ay, Micah:
You should take your fictionality out into the real world. Set aside a day or two to experience new things. Perhaps a hookah lounge. Or a karaoke bar. Ooh, a party! Go to a party! Depending on your age, the mall might be appropriate. Actually, if you’re loosely based on anyone, while you’re at the mall, you and your writer might consider buying the person that you share personality traits with new shoes or something. A few other things I suggest: watch Pinocchio (after all, he managed to become a real boy), wrestle a bear, find a nice fictional lady (or gentleman, if that’s what floats your boat) with whom to get yo fictional mack on, drink a gallon of milk, kill a man.
Put that bitch in her place.
Yo, AJ:
My best friend has been blowing me off. She goes to college a couple of hours away, but was in town for the weekend. I texted her, but she didn’t respond. That’s been happening a lot the past few weeks. I understand that she has a lot going on right now, but I’m feeling forgotten and I don’t know what to do about it.
Neglected in Nevada
Ay, Neglected:
Give it a few more days. If this stupidity persists, put that bitch in her place. By which I mean sit down and have a calm, civilized conversation. I doubt it’s personal. There’s a good chance she doesn’t even realize she’s being a dumb hoe.
My best friend has been blowing me off. She goes to college a couple of hours away, but was in town for the weekend. I texted her, but she didn’t respond. That’s been happening a lot the past few weeks. I understand that she has a lot going on right now, but I’m feeling forgotten and I don’t know what to do about it.
Neglected in Nevada
Ay, Neglected:
Give it a few more days. If this stupidity persists, put that bitch in her place. By which I mean sit down and have a calm, civilized conversation. I doubt it’s personal. There’s a good chance she doesn’t even realize she’s being a dumb hoe.
Friday, October 7, 2011
As long as you're not boring.
Yo, AJ:
I’ve thought about starting a blog. Would you recommend it?
Too Many Thoughts In The Brain.
Ay, TMTITB:
DON’T DO IT! IT’LL RUIN YOUR LIFE! I kid. No, yes. If you’re like me or a few of my friends, things probably happen to you throughout your day. Things that make you think, “What the hell?” or “I should tell the Internet my opinion of the skirt that that man is wearing.” OR “Oh my blog, if one more person gives me a little Baptist book of God, I will set the next church I see on fire.”
Okay, I forgot what I was saying. Right. A blog. Yes. If you have an opinion and are not boring, by all means, start a blog. Unless you want to start an advice blog. Don’t do that. It’s my thing.
I’ve thought about starting a blog. Would you recommend it?
Too Many Thoughts In The Brain.
Ay, TMTITB:
DON’T DO IT! IT’LL RUIN YOUR LIFE! I kid. No, yes. If you’re like me or a few of my friends, things probably happen to you throughout your day. Things that make you think, “What the hell?” or “I should tell the Internet my opinion of the skirt that that man is wearing.” OR “Oh my blog, if one more person gives me a little Baptist book of God, I will set the next church I see on fire.”
Okay, I forgot what I was saying. Right. A blog. Yes. If you have an opinion and are not boring, by all means, start a blog. Unless you want to start an advice blog. Don’t do that. It’s my thing.
Punch your best friend.
Yo, AJ:
I’m a writer; I think I’m pretty good at it. Even if I’m not, I don’t care. I love to do it. Anyway, I haven’t been able to write anything decent in the past few weeks. I’m not sure how to get past this writer's block. Any suggestions?
Pentastrophe in Oregon.
Ay, Pentastrophe:
If I’m going to help you write again, you’d better be good. I’d hate to think that I’m helping to bring crappy literature into the world. In my own experience, I work best off of pain. Perhaps there isn’t enough drama in your life. Try punching your best friend. If you can’t get any good material from that, run over your neighbor's dog. If you’re weird and don’t want to do that because you like dogs, sleep with your neighbor's husband. Extra drama points If you’re both straight men. Okay, really, before you can fix a problem, the problem has to be identified. What might be causing your writer’s block? Is it creative? Are you dealing with a major life issue? (e.g., pet goldfish died, your kleptomaniac boy/girlfriend that showered you with presents daily dumped you, you finally found out that they’ve disowned Pluto as a planet.) Whatever it may be, find the issue and deal with it. If all else fails, just write about vampires. Even if it sucks, it’ll still make you famous.
I’m a writer; I think I’m pretty good at it. Even if I’m not, I don’t care. I love to do it. Anyway, I haven’t been able to write anything decent in the past few weeks. I’m not sure how to get past this writer's block. Any suggestions?
Pentastrophe in Oregon.
Ay, Pentastrophe:
If I’m going to help you write again, you’d better be good. I’d hate to think that I’m helping to bring crappy literature into the world. In my own experience, I work best off of pain. Perhaps there isn’t enough drama in your life. Try punching your best friend. If you can’t get any good material from that, run over your neighbor's dog. If you’re weird and don’t want to do that because you like dogs, sleep with your neighbor's husband. Extra drama points If you’re both straight men. Okay, really, before you can fix a problem, the problem has to be identified. What might be causing your writer’s block? Is it creative? Are you dealing with a major life issue? (e.g., pet goldfish died, your kleptomaniac boy/girlfriend that showered you with presents daily dumped you, you finally found out that they’ve disowned Pluto as a planet.) Whatever it may be, find the issue and deal with it. If all else fails, just write about vampires. Even if it sucks, it’ll still make you famous.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Armadillos and Penn Badgley.
Yo, AJ:
I’m a gay male. That’s relevant, I swear. I don’t just say that to people any time I meet them. It’s not, like, part of my introduction. Anyway, I’m kind of hopelessly in love with a friend of mine, but I have no idea if he bats for my team. How can I figure out if he does? And if he does, how can I figure out if he’s into me too?
An Armadillo Outed Me.
Ay, An Armadillo Outed Me:
First of all, I hope that isn’t your birth name. Secondly, grab his junk and see what happens. Stop looking at me like that. It works. Really. Not always for the better, but hey, at least you’ll have an answer… Ugh, okay. Well, I suppose the first step would be, acknowledging the fact that you’re gay. If he doesn’t already know, you need to make it known. (What’s the best way to come out to your friend you might ask. Grab his junk.) Once it’s been established that you’s into da menz, ask if he thinks Penn Badgley is hot. If he says yes, grab his junk. “His” being your friend, not Penn Badgley. Don’t grab Penn Badgley’s junk. He’s mine. Anyway, if your friend says no, he’s either straight, or stupid. Should your friend happen to be gay, ask him if he’d like to have dinner sometime. You should probably let go of his junk when you ask. Just to show you’re classy and respectful. This ain’t no trailer park. If he agrees to a dinner date, grab his junk. Grab his junk, and never let go.
P.S. Don’t really grab his junk. What are you, stupid? It’s a metaphor.
I’m a gay male. That’s relevant, I swear. I don’t just say that to people any time I meet them. It’s not, like, part of my introduction. Anyway, I’m kind of hopelessly in love with a friend of mine, but I have no idea if he bats for my team. How can I figure out if he does? And if he does, how can I figure out if he’s into me too?
An Armadillo Outed Me.
Ay, An Armadillo Outed Me:
First of all, I hope that isn’t your birth name. Secondly, grab his junk and see what happens. Stop looking at me like that. It works. Really. Not always for the better, but hey, at least you’ll have an answer… Ugh, okay. Well, I suppose the first step would be, acknowledging the fact that you’re gay. If he doesn’t already know, you need to make it known. (What’s the best way to come out to your friend you might ask. Grab his junk.) Once it’s been established that you’s into da menz, ask if he thinks Penn Badgley is hot. If he says yes, grab his junk. “His” being your friend, not Penn Badgley. Don’t grab Penn Badgley’s junk. He’s mine. Anyway, if your friend says no, he’s either straight, or stupid. Should your friend happen to be gay, ask him if he’d like to have dinner sometime. You should probably let go of his junk when you ask. Just to show you’re classy and respectful. This ain’t no trailer park. If he agrees to a dinner date, grab his junk. Grab his junk, and never let go.
P.S. Don’t really grab his junk. What are you, stupid? It’s a metaphor.
"John" and "Susan" slept together.
Yo, AJ:
I know these three people in a love triangle situation. “Like” triangle? Anyway, “John” and “Mary” are dating. And “Susan” and “John” had a thing several months ago, before “John” and “Mary” started dating. However, for the past few weeks, “Susan” and “John” have been flirting back and forth. I told “Susan” it’s a bad idea, but some bitches just don’t listen. The whole time, “Susan” has been trying to get “John” to break up with “Mary”. And, although “John” has wanted to break up with “Mary”, he is much too chicken to do so. Finally, about a week ago “John” and “Susan” slept together. Now I’m the only one who knows, other than “John” and “Susan”, of course. I don’t know if I should tell “Mary”. I know too much. So many secrets! Oh God!
To Tell Or Not To Tell, That Is The Question.
Ay, TTONTTTITQ:
Just kill them all… Is what I would say if homicide wasn’t illegal. However, it is illegal. So don’t do that. It’s unfortunate that “Susan” is a dumb ho that doesn‘t know how to listen to good advice. Depending on how long you’ve known “Mary”, and how close the two of you are, I’m not sure that it would be your place to tell her. If you wouldn’t call her your best friend, I don’t think you should be the one to tell her. It’s not your fault “John” is a scared-ass little bitch that can’t own up to his feelings. Perhaps he just needs some motivation. Next time the two of you hang out, offer to buy him a drink. He’ll accept your offer because in this scenario he’s an alchie. Once he’s finished his drink tell him you’ve poisoned it and that he only has 24 hours to confess his true feelings and say goodbye to his loved ones. (Actually poisoning the drink is up to you.) But really, you shouldn’t have to get involved with drama that isn’t your own.
I know these three people in a love triangle situation. “Like” triangle? Anyway, “John” and “Mary” are dating. And “Susan” and “John” had a thing several months ago, before “John” and “Mary” started dating. However, for the past few weeks, “Susan” and “John” have been flirting back and forth. I told “Susan” it’s a bad idea, but some bitches just don’t listen. The whole time, “Susan” has been trying to get “John” to break up with “Mary”. And, although “John” has wanted to break up with “Mary”, he is much too chicken to do so. Finally, about a week ago “John” and “Susan” slept together. Now I’m the only one who knows, other than “John” and “Susan”, of course. I don’t know if I should tell “Mary”. I know too much. So many secrets! Oh God!
To Tell Or Not To Tell, That Is The Question.
Ay, TTONTTTITQ:
Just kill them all… Is what I would say if homicide wasn’t illegal. However, it is illegal. So don’t do that. It’s unfortunate that “Susan” is a dumb ho that doesn‘t know how to listen to good advice. Depending on how long you’ve known “Mary”, and how close the two of you are, I’m not sure that it would be your place to tell her. If you wouldn’t call her your best friend, I don’t think you should be the one to tell her. It’s not your fault “John” is a scared-ass little bitch that can’t own up to his feelings. Perhaps he just needs some motivation. Next time the two of you hang out, offer to buy him a drink. He’ll accept your offer because in this scenario he’s an alchie. Once he’s finished his drink tell him you’ve poisoned it and that he only has 24 hours to confess his true feelings and say goodbye to his loved ones. (Actually poisoning the drink is up to you.) But really, you shouldn’t have to get involved with drama that isn’t your own.
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