Armadillos and Penn Badgley.

Yo, AJ:

     I’m a gay male. That’s relevant, I swear. I don’t just say that to people any time I meet them. It’s not, like, part of my introduction. Anyway, I’m kind of hopelessly in love with a friend of mine, but I have no idea if he bats for my team. How can I figure out if he does? And if he does, how can I figure out if he’s into me too?

                                                                                                An Armadillo Outed Me.

Ay, An Armadillo Outed Me:

     First of all, I hope that isn’t your birth name. Secondly, grab his junk and see what happens. Stop looking at me like that. It works. Really. Not always for the better, but hey, at least you’ll have an answer… Ugh, okay. Well, I suppose the first step would be, acknowledging the fact that you’re gay. If he doesn’t already know, you need to make it known. (What’s the best way to come out to your friend you might ask. Grab his junk.) Once it’s been established that you’s into da menz, ask if he thinks Penn Badgley is hot. If he says yes, grab his junk. “His” being your friend, not Penn Badgley. Don’t grab Penn Badgley’s junk. He’s mine. Anyway, if your friend says no, he’s either straight, or stupid. Should your friend happen to be gay, ask him if he’d like to have dinner sometime. You should probably let go of his junk when you ask. Just to show you’re classy and respectful. This ain’t no trailer park. If he agrees to a dinner date, grab his junk. Grab his junk, and never let go.

P.S. Don’t really grab his junk. What are you, stupid? It’s a metaphor.